And this love...

And this love...

Ashley

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I have felt more than you could know	[Jan. 13th, 2005\|02:59 pm]
Oh, man, today I spoke with Ben! Hurray! A: Do we have lab after this? B: No A: Thanks But we made eye contact and he was pretty warm and friendly about it. It's so weird to be so cold with someone you slept with. Anyhow. We made eye contact, I said thank you, and I'm giving him a note tommorow. I shall let you know how it goes.
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I have kissed...	[Jan. 13th, 2005\|02:40 pm]
x = yes on the cheek. x on the lips. x on their hands or fingers. x in my room. x in their room. x of the same sex. x of the opposite sex. x younger than me. older than me. x with jet black hair. with curly hair. x with blonde hair & blue eyes. x with flaming red hair. x (Not exactly flaming, a shade from Lindsay Lohan) with straight hair. x smaller/shorter than me. bigger/taller than me. x with a lip ring. who was drunk. x who was high. x who I had just met. who was homosexual. who I didn't really want to kiss. x on a holiday. x who was going out with someone close to me. who was my good friend's brother or sister. who had been/is in jail. x in a graveyard. at a show/concert. at the beach. x in a pool, jacuzzi, or some type of water. x who was legally too young/old for me to have sex with. x with dyed hair. with a shaved head. who was/is my good friend. x who was/is in a band. x who has tattoos. x who is of a completely different race than me. x in the rain. x in another continent besides where I was born. with an accent. x with an std. on a boat. in a car/taxi/bus. on a plane. x at the circus/carnival. with a missing body part. in the movies. x eskimo style. x Aw, that was cute. Stolen from the Alymonster~!
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Here's a pillow... bite that.	[Jan. 9th, 2005\|07:24 pm]
Well, you poor LJers are truly out of the loop with what has been going on in my life. I will be doing this entirely out of order. I believe I mentioned Sterling died on Christmas. I'm dissapointed with U of Penn as they haven't even called me about the necropsy but I'll be dealing with that over the next two days. I went to New Years with Ben, this kid I adore, and had a great time. We had sex on his friend's bed, ooops, but we were supposed to do it on the floor so we moved to the floor afterwards. I wake up to him scooping me up like a big fat cat, and trying to move me. I was like erm, okay, and moved to the couch. We slept there for a few hours and then his friend leaves his room again (the reason I'd had to leave that room was because his friend was home), and Ben goes outside to talk to him. He asks if he'll be back that night, and the friend says yes but you can use it again while I'm gone, and Ben laughingly replies 'I'll bang her on the floor, and we'll be out of there.'... I was crushed, hence an arguement where I ask if he's all in it for the sex or not? Meanwhile, I'd slept with my ex-boyfriend while I was back in town. Ben and I had discussed it, and agreed we weren't exclusive but he asked me to tell him if I was with anyone else for health reasons. I agreed reluctantly as it IS a health issue in today's scary world. So I told him on the ride back. 14 hours of silence later... and then two days of silence later... I talked to him. He said he didn't fuck with people that fucked with other people. Well, that's great but you siad I could. He said he thought if he told me that he didn't want me to, I would just lie and this was that one big thing. I replied that I wouldn't have lied, I just would've been faithful. He said he had to go, and I called him a fucking asshole. Fin. I've been dressing as well as I can, full makeup, and co-ordinating my music for entering and leaving the parking lot and ignoring him. 6 letters and one song later... I am hopelessly in love with this kid, but am playing games to get myself back into his good favor. I know he was mad, and I understand completely, but now I'm seeing him start to watch me walk in and out of class and such. On Tuesday, I'll talk to him me thinks. I think I love this kid. I think about him all the time. It's just one of those things where you meet someone, and it's all just perfect. I just wish I didn't fuck it up. Jerrod told his friend Marilyn all about me, and prior to and after our relationship. She now thinks I'm a whore, and doesn't like me. And Jerrod goes your one problem is that you're not a very monogamous person. So I finally just broke down and was like when I told you I couldn't say no, I meant it. I froze, hypervenilated, deer in the headlights, and could say nothing. I was raped, Jerrod, I have some issues with that. He puts down the phone, comes back with the realization that he was wrong. He got angry that I didn't tell him but what was there to tell? I told him the technicality, just not how it made me feel. Now that I've really felt it though, I feel such a release. I ate a full meal today. Like cleaned the plate almost. (I didn't eat the bread, or the rest of the sandwhich after the meat was gone), but a full bowl of soup and stuff. I also cleaned my room, may finish cleaning the bathroom tonight, and tommorow I'll be cleaning the rest of the house. WHY does laundry take so long? And I am so cheerful. I am coming back into my own. I feel like me again, which makes me so freaking excited. Mary and Lissette think I am anorexic. I lost freaking THREE pounds over break due to all the stress I was under, watch me eat girls and shut the fuck up. I'm so annoyed by that, you've no idea. I realized also that I am addicted to shopping. My walk-in is almost full of clothes, and my pajamas/underwear drawer is completely packed to the brim. I have like 12 bottles of perfume, etc. I may have a problem. But WHERE is my Alice In Wonderland cat shirt? Grr. (I forget what he's called, oh yes the Cheshire Cat). That makes me sad as I have a hat to match which will not match with anything else. Unacceptable, no? But I have so many clothes. Makes me happy. Tasha's been a lot better. I got her a new collar and two leashes today. An extentable, and one that matches her collar. That too makes me excited. She loves going outside and now has great leash manners but lately refuses to go inside. At all. To the point where, heartbreaking to me, I have to just hold onto the choke chain and not budge until finally she has to give in. I feel so bad but she WON'T move period if I don't do it. For like hours. One of these days Tasha will finally understand. She seems to be doing so much better with when I leave, no more crying or being destructive. I am quite proud of her. Every day is a blessing with her. Next week I drive up alone to look at Jazz. Ben was supposed to drive with me. Oh Ben, I love you and I'm sorry for getting so scared and fucking up so bad. I wish maybe you could/would read this so that you would understand. You make me feel all the things my head never can. I just... wow. I think about you 24 hours a day, and how badly I want to talk to you about something or do something with you or show you something or, sometimes, worse. I swear... I've never met a guy who radiated so much sexuality. Oh Ben, take me. Btw, I am not sleeping with anyone else. For like... a really long time. I want to change my life, I really do. Slowly but surely I feel as though I am. -Ash PS... Can someone brainwash Ben into wanting me again? Thanks. THat'd be helpful.
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California here we come...	[Dec. 29th, 2004\|06:48 pm]
I'm a little bit taxed, I must say. So in this entry I'll question/vent/confuse in an order to sort things out and relax. Today was the first time someone actually considered what I did with Ben to be immoral. This lays heavily on my conscience as I've not the self confidence to maintain my own opinion at times. In addition, today was the first time I told someone, and therefore realized it myself, that Ben is the exact age as ____________. So now I'm all upset.
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(no subject)	[Dec. 26th, 2004\|04:03 pm]
Note: I can't seem to post this to chinchillin, could someone? I woke up Christmas Eve morn to the chinchillas making some odd noises. I didn't see Sterling, but saw Tink in the cave and Tink has a habit of doing the WEIRDEST things, with the weirdest sound effects so I didn't think much of it. I came back, and noticed that Tink was moving as though something behind him were moving him. I picked up the cave, moved Tink, and grabbed Sterling. He sounded congested, like he had a cold. I immediately called Vets, and took him to our local emergency vet. The closest Exotics specialist was U of Penn, or in Cherry Hill (2 hours away). I knew it was an emergency and hoped they could help. At first they just looked up antibiotics safe for Chins, and alligned his syptoms with those of their source and told me I could take him home. I was outside on the phone with my dad when they told me to please come back in. His condition had worsened, and now his breathing was labored, his whole body shaking to take it in. I immediately sped to U of Penn, one hour away. We got there, and they rushed him into the back. An hour went by, it seemed, and I was taken into a room. The quiet of the vet told me there was some horrible news. They think it was cancer, or a congenital heart defect, or maybe (but most likely not) pnemonia. Their suggestion was putting him to sleep, or leave him in the ER in an oxygen tank for a few days. It would have been $2,000 dollars and they said if they x-rayed his chest, the stress would probably kill him and they considered it a short term terminal case. So I gave them the go ahead and held him as the first tranq rendered him unconscious. I feel like a bad Mom for not spending the 2k, but honestly... he was definitely going to die, I and they could see it, and how horrible would it be for his last few days to be all alone in a sterile oxygen tank. I feel like I made the right decision. He was 7 years old, and is dearly missed by me, his room-mate Tink, and friends Chloe (rabbit) and Carl (guinea pig). Merry Christmas. x-posted to chinchilla_love
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Alas.	[Dec. 21st, 2004\|02:18 pm]
Jerrod and I are over. Who ever thought that would happen? For the past 8 months, it's been a stagnant thing which was getting better, but I didn't think it could ever be what I wanted/needed for the longterm. Relationships seem to strangle the life out of me, and I want to be on my own. Of course, slightly but ever so slightly counteracting that is Ben. I met him in class, and I really like him. He's driving up with me to get Jazz, and he's driving back down with me. We're going skiing, and to New Years, and then kayaking. But I'm not looking for a relationship so.. yeah. More interesting shit later.
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Survey + Update	[Nov. 21st, 2004\|11:49 am]
I haven't updated in forever. Well, my parents are getting along better, I just got back from Jersey and while I was there, I got kicked out of the house, etc. I met my dad's girlfriend, whom I really liked. I found English, and while I was away Jerrod found a kitty he really adored, and her name is November, after November Rain. I also brought Tasha back from Jersey. She is currently in my room, as I'm attempting to make her chill out, but it's not working. Yeah so she'll be out in a hot second. I went to a club yesterday but we got kicked out because Mary and Lissette ordered shots of Yaeger, and they're underage and a guy saw them drinking it. Which pissed me off as I only had a shirley temple, and they wouldn't even let me take it. snarls. [ ] I miss somebody right now. [x] I don't watch much TV these days. [ ] I love olives. [x] I love sleeping. [x] I own lots of books [x] I wear glasses or contact lenses. [ ] I love to play video games. [x] I've tried marijuana. [x] I've watched porn movies. [ ] I have been in a threesome. [ ] I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. [x] I believe honesty is usually the best policy. [ ] I have acne free skin. [x] I like and respect Al Sharpton. [x] I curse frequently. [x] I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. [ ] I have a hobby. [ ] I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me [x] I'm smart. [x] Ive never broken someone else's bones. [x] I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal. [ ] I hate the rain. [x] I'm paranoid at times. [ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. [x] I need money right now! [x] I love Sushi. [x] I talk really, really fast. [ ] I have semi-long hair. [ ] I have lost money in Las Vegas. [x] I have at least one brother and/or one sister. [ ] I was born in a country outside of the U.S. [x] I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis. [ ] I have a twin. [x] I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past. [x] I couldn't survive without Caller I.D. [x] I like the way that I look sometimes. [x] I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months [ ] I know how to cornrow. [ ] I am usually pessimistic. [x] I have a lot of mood swings. [x] I think prostitution should be legalized. [x] I think Britney Spears is hot. [ ] I have cheated on a significant other in the past. [ ] I have a hidden talent. [x] I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have. [ ] I think that I'm popular. [x] I have kissed someone of the same sex. [x] I enjoy talking on the phone. [ ] I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants. [x] I love to shop. [ ] I would rather shop than eat. [ ] I would classify myself as ghetto. [ ] I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders. [ ] I'm obsessed with my Xanga or myspace. [ ] I don't hate anyone. I dislike them. [ ] I'm a pretty good dancer. [ ] I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington [ ] I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother [x] I have a cell phone. [x] I believe in God. [ ] I watch MTV on a daily basis. [ ] I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months. [x] I love drama. [ ] I have never been in a real relationship before. [ ] I've rejected someone before. [ ] I currently have a crush on someone. [x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. [x] I want to have children in the future. [x] I have changed a diaper before. [ ] I've called the cops on a friend before. [ ] I bite my nails. [ ] I am a member of the Tom Green fan club [ ] I'm not allergic to anything [x] I have a lot to learn. [ ] I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger [ ] I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie. [x] I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes [x] Im online 24/7, even as an away message. [ ] I have at least 5 away messages saved. [x] I have tried alcohol or drugs before. [ ] I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past [ ] I own the "South Park" movie. [ ] I have avoided assignments at work (or school) to be on Xanga or myspace [ ] When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum [x] I enjoy some country music. [x] I would die for my best friend. [ ] I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. [ ] I watch soap operas whenever I can [x] I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist [x] I have used my sexuality to advance my career [ ] I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all [ ] I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children’s Story" [x] Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. [ ] I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it. [ ] I have dated a close friend's ex. [x] I am happy at this moment. Yay for original surveys!
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Thanks dad, just thanks.	[Nov. 6th, 2004\|01:50 am]
Take my photo off the wall If it just won't sing for you 'Cause all that's left has gone away And there's nothing there for you to prove Oh, look what you've done You've made a fool of everyone Oh well, it seems likes such fun Until you lose what you had won Give me back my point of view 'Cause I just can't think for you I can hardly hear you say What should I do, well you choose Oh, look what you've done You've made a fool of everyone Oh well, it seems likes such fun Until you lose what you had won Oh, look what you've done You've made a fool of everyone A fool of everyone A fool of everyone Take my photo off the wall If it just won't sing for you 'Cause all that's left has gone away And there's nothing there for you to do Oh, look what you've done You've made a fool of everyone Oh well, it seems likes such fun Until you lose what you had won Oh, look what you've done You've made a fool of everyone A fool of everyone A fool of everyone
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Today's Events + Rants

[Oct. 29th, 2004|03:02 am]

[

mood

tired

]

Rants:

Why is it people are obsessed with keeping horses at the home? Things can happen so very quickly, and without warning. So many horses suffer without the proper care. What if you go away for the weekend? Your neighbor cannot just feed it as if an emergency arises, they won't know what to do. Oh, for the love of oats, get an education.

Or people who decide to get a pet even if a family member is allegic 'I'll just keep it in the basement or garage...' Can people spell cleaning chemicals, oil fires, and drafts? That's a gay old plan. Miserable for your animal and your family. Come on, people. Really. A pet should be viewed as a part of a family, not a family accessory.

Today's/Yesterday's Events

I took Lissette to the hospital yesterday and I gave the doctors such a hard time. I couldn't help it. I'm ornery. Lissette says I'm a Jewish mother, stereotype Aly-girl, but I think Catholic works for it. I asked a bunch of questions because I've been not taken seriously a lot and wanted to be sure she didn't have menengitis. Lissette and I are getting really close, I'm truly flattered to find a friend. =)

We passed 6 ospitals on the way there, apparently, and I got lost in the hospital and almost took 2 exits off I-4 I didn't mean to take. Poor Lissette =). I'm glad she feels better, I was really scared she had menengitis. I kept thinking... how am I going to get over it if something happens? We just got to know each other. The kid in my class was hard enough, Jeremy, but she and I are wicked close.

I saw my Uncle yesterday, I was so happy to see him. I miss my family bad, and I cannot wait to visit them. I want to go horseback riding with my Aunt.

Jerrod and I are doing so well. =). I have lingerie awaiting its use, and today I went to a vintage thrift store, and got this beautiful bra.

Oh and I think I found ENGLISH. In someone elses house, they called him Mr. Nubs but he looks JUST like English, and I am going to ask. I miss my cat, damn it. I'll pay them for him, seriously. I'll give them 120 dollars. a la la.

And I'll be in Jersey from Nov. 3-17 I think. So yeah. Happiness. And I'll be riding.

-Ash

-Ash

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and Friday... I'm in love	[Oct. 27th, 2004\|05:46 am]
I don't care if monday's blue Tuesday's gray, and Wensday too Thursday I don't care about you It's Friday I'm in love Monday you can fall apart Tuesday, Wensday fall apart Thursday doesn't even start It's Friday I'm in love Saturday wait and Sunday always comes too late but Friday, never hesitate I don't care if Monday's black Tuesday, Wensday heart attack Thursday never looking back It's Friday, I'm in love Monday you can hold your head Tuesday, Wensday stay in bed On Thursday, watch the walls instead It's Friday, I'm in love Saturday wait and Sunday always comes too late but Friday never hesitate Dressed up to the eyes It's a wonderful surprise To see your shoes and spirits rise Throwing out your frown and just smiling at the sound And as sleek as a shriek Spinning round and round Always take a big bite It's a gorgeous site To see you eat in the middle of the night You can never get enough Enough of this stuff It's friday I'm In Love ... I have a feeling Jerrod feels this way about me. Can you believe it's so far past a year? Almost our second Christmas. Oh Jerrod, I love you so much. Why is it my dreams are filled of a far away marriage, and bright red balloons. Oh my.
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Say say you'll stay...

[Oct. 27th, 2004|04:14 am]

[

music

Maps- Yeah Yeah Yeahs

]

Oh mi amor, the issues of the day. I really haven't been updating as much as I once did. Just been busy, and pre-occupied.

I'm as broke as I could be, truly, and I get that 160 from Ricky tommorow. Which is a godsend. And then I can put it in the bank, and call it a night. And my dad put down that deposit. So guess what? Tommorow I call the loan people, and get this party started. That was corny but I'm excited.

Jerrod and I are doing extremely well, today the kid attempted to give me a swirley after much slap fighting. Oh he's such a crazy one. Britt and Gary are dating, but I sort of like that. I like the two of them together, maybe they're just what each other needs as I hated all her boyfriends before. And Gary's cute, which shows for ONCE she had taste as Craig, Zach, and Steve were... nastiness to me. Oh, I'm picky.

Sarah and I planned out her romantic getaway. She's staying in the -nicest- of hotels. Go Sarah. Thinking about making her move tonight... at the end of the night she'll making him hers, he'll be coming on home with her. LOL.

My family is all messed up. My mother got a restraining order against my father, and she has ripped us opens. I feel like a piece of jettison crashing against a jetty. I have precious little to cling to, and I feel it slipping. Not in a suicidal way, however, I feel my family and home slipping away. On the plus side? The dogs may be coming to stay with me, as I don't want them going anywhere else because 'someone' doesn't want them. Max's registered to my dad anyway, so he can take her when he pleases.

And I hope he does. Violently, and with a lot of conflict. So pah hah pah.

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You and I have memories...	[Oct. 1st, 2004\|09:14 am]
Longer than the road that stretches out ahead. Life has been frustrating. While Jerrod and I have been on a nice light note, my family life back home has been insane. God, I want to go back to badly. Once I get this check, I may just drive back home for a week or so. Jerrod thinks I couldn't find 95 snarls Yes, I so could. I'd get directions. And in 2 or 3 days, I'd be home again for a week or so, and then drive back. =). I have those inspections on Monday. I'm not even supposed to have exotic animals (blushes)... yeah, lol. I kind of have a lot. Oh well. 1 rabbit, 1 guinea pig, and 2 chinchillas. I feel overloaded but I do love them so, so I'm keeping them all but trying to find a home for Carl, still. But I doubt I will and I'll still keep and love him. =). I may ask my sister if she wants him, as her hamsters passed on. And then I'll drive him up with me. Or the chinchillas. I don't know, I'd prefer the guinea pig as he travels better and it'd be easier.
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I Will Always Love You	[Oct. 1st, 2004\|09:14 am]
Argh. I feel like such a lazy person. I spent all day comforting Janena, even though I need to do my shit. But I just can't seem to get motivated. @ all. And lord knows I need the money. I think I may drive down to Natura, get a latte I can't afford, and ask if they're possibly hiring. I need someplace with tips so I can have CASH now. I'll be filling out to rest of these apps, and hopefully dropping by the mall far later tonight to drop them back at the stores. And I want to go to Movie Gallery and ask if they are currently hiring, as that's really close to me and I need cash -nods-. 6/hour. Is most likely the best I'll do. sigh. If I worked 40 hours a week, I'd make 240 dollars. Not good. 240 x 3 (weeks left in month): 720. Almost my rent. But deduct the following: - 401.00, my overdraft: 319. Minus my bills JUST from my complex: 134. And then we have our own utilities. So basically, no food money or fun money but if I could get my dad to pay my rent? Hrm. I need two or three jobs I guess. Well, how much is 60 hours a week? 40 hours a week is roughly 6 hours a day. 7 days a week -passes out-. If I were to do 60, it'd be 9 hours a day. If I did 60 hours a week, I'd make 360 dollars a week. 1080 a month. Which is pretty much what I need. God I need to find SOMETHING beyond minimum wage. I need to call a loan company and figure out what to do as this merely will not work out. Ugh. -Ash
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You see the sky, I see the ground, hey love, hey love	[Oct. 1st, 2004\|09:14 am]
5 more bags of trash to go.... ick. Am taking a break. Why is it you never realize how nasty a bag of trash is until you realize that the trash leaked trash juice all over your floor, and you're retching because it's so gross. pukes. I just hate taking trash out, and avoid it at all costs. I vow not to do it anymore, I promise. Gag. Great, I get home from resting @ Jerrod's to find two notes on my door. The inspection was 'rescheduled' to Monday the 11th (I'm tired of this shit, 2nd time rescheduled) and I owe them $186.00 for my water bills, and a $6.50 pet thing, and I think it's late which is why it is so much. That's okay, ALL my bills are overdue, so no surprise. Wanted ASAP... As soon as possible meaning As Soon As December? Yeah, not working. I have to think of some way to get pretty fast money. I'll call up Bank of America about loans, I suppose. Chloe is digging at the carpets (kills her, jp) again. Great. I need to clean the she-devils nails, and put her back in her cage as she's quickly showing she's not ready to be a free run rabbit. I think it's puberty. -Ash
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Why am I so sad?	[Sep. 24th, 2004\|07:25 am]
Why is it? Why can I just not be happy. I've never freaking BEEN in an apartment so disgusting as mine. I shower, yes, but... 3 days? It's normal as I just forget about it as I never sleep. Not that I smell or something, it's just my depression gets that deep. Why am I so miserable? I'm reluctant to go onto anti-depressants because I feel like it has a lot to do with my diet, the fact that I barely eat anything, and my insomnia. I had a taco, a glass of orange juice, and some microwavable Pasta Bowl last night. Extremely gross. And note that the chicken in the taco... canned chicken. Yesterday I felt myself getting moodier and moodier with Jerrod. I did also realize that I take everything he says seriously when he is joking. I've just been so fucking p.o.ed with all this shit going on. ugh.... please lord let me feel better.
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New cage!	[Sep. 21st, 2004\|11:42 pm]
Once I get any real amount of money, I have a new aspiration. To build Chloe and Carl a cage out of those block things. I know it'd be lovely, and I could make it extremely large. =). -Ash PS. Waffles is missing. I really hope he comes back.
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Agh	[Sep. 21st, 2004\|11:30 pm]
I guess I need to vent. This has been a very stressful week, etc. I am just not miserable but really... having a hard time right now. 1. I've now lost both of my cats. Will put up posters tommorow or Saturday. This was the icing on the cake. 2. I'm really worried about a friend but out of respect to her own privacy, I shall not post it here. I love her to death and I guess I am a bit overprotective... but this can't happen to her. Not NOW, not after all that she's went through. I'm so proud. Why do the worst things happen to the best people? 3. I lost my car keys. Yes, my spare. And now I'm like... G. 1st off = I have no money for a locksmith. 2nd Off = I need to take my road test in THIS car as I've never driven any other car. I need to ask around just in case to see if I can borrow someone's car, and if I drive in it for an hour or two maybe I'll be good enough to use it. 4. I told my Dad basically everything that was going on with me. Well, big mistake. He sold me out to my mom, whom he knows I am hot/cold with, and I was awakened by yelling. I'm so freaking mad. I'm really not going to New Jersey now. I don't even want to see them until Christmas although I do want to see Chel and Ryan. I just don't think I can handle 2 months. I am under enough stress, and I don't need that. These months must be about ME, and about -ME- feeling better. Not them, as it would be. I won't raise them again for 2 months. No. 5. Now my mom wants me to give her info so she can come down for my graduation. I'm so pissed I don't even want her to go. I know this all sounds melodramatic, but if you knew how things had been between she and I for the past few years and her behavior over the past few months, you would understand. 6. For a while I had no idea what I was doing with my life, so of course that was nerve wracking. I finally have it figured out. I love to cast and produce... so why not do it? Yes, that is what I shall do. 7. I am failing, as it stands right now, my Post class for hours. I'm like 8 over? It's pretty bad but they said a note from my mom would work as when I get my period, it knocks me out. I'd tell my mom I went off birth control, but I hate getting screamed at. 8. As you can tell from the time of this post: I CANNOT SLEEP. Grrrrr. 9. I haven't spent nearly so much time with the animals as I should. I want to spend time with Chloe and Carl tommorow as I've got the day off. And then job searching. I've made my decision. Tommorow evening I'll be trying to work with Sterling and Tink. Yeah, I've got the time to feed and care for them all... but not the time to play with them. Does that constitute neglect? 10. I'm very disappointed with this girl my boyfriend rooms with. She's completely disgusting lately. I had to spend 4 hours watching her double standards while she acted like a complete trashy tease. 'I'll need you tommorow' Fact is when I tried to talk to her about my problems, it was 'Can't you be positive?' These have been going on for months... I AM FUCKING POSITIVE. And she constantly rips apart Jerrod and I's relationship. Snarls. I could kill. 12. Just random stuff in general, all my stress is compounding on me. I need to workout or something. Do something to relax me. Bend the pieces until they fit, like they were meant for it... so much for my endearning sense of charm
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Survey from Aly!	[Sep. 21st, 2004\|11:30 pm]
1. FULL NAME: Ashley Taryn 2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?: My aunt's cat. 3. SCHOOL: Full Sail 4. MASCOT: An airplane? 5. NICKNAME: Ash, Ashtray, Frostcore, Tayri, Baby (from Jerrod) 6. BIRTHDAY: March 11, 1986 7. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?: Langhorn, PA 8. HAVING FUN: I don't feel too hot 9. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN ON THE COMPUTER TODAY?: 40 minutes on and off? 10. GPA AVERAGE: 85? 11. HEIGHT: 5'0" 12. SHOE SIZE: 7 13. HAIRCOLOR: Dark Strawberry Blond 14. EYE COLOR: Blue 15. SIBLINGS: Chelsea and Ryan 16. DO YOU LIKE HIM/HER/THEM?: Yep 17. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN THE THEATRE: Garden State 18. LAST MOVIE YOU RENTED: Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen - Bad choice.e 19. LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT: I don't really have one. 20. DO YOU ACTUALLY LIKE MATH: Yes. 21. LAST CD YOU BOUGHT: Nooo idea. 22. DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND?: Yes 23. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?: Yes 24. DO YOU THINK IT COULD EVER HAPPEN?: It did gasp 25. IS HE OR SHE GOOD LOOKING?: Jerrod is very handsome =) 26. FAVORITE ACTRESS: Natalie Portman or Jennifer Garner 27. FAVORITE ACTOR: Jim Carrey, Bill Murray, Colin Farrell 28. FAVORITE MOVIE: Garden State/A Bronx Tale 29. FAVORITE TV SHOW(S): Hack, Alias 30. FAVORITE SONG: Anna Begins - Counting Crows, Shut Up and Drive - Jodee Messina, I Will Survive - Cake 31. FAVORITE FOOD: Bacon 32. FAVORITE COLOR: Yellow 33. FAVORITE SINGER/GROUP: Counting Crows, Cake, Elliott Smith, The Connotations, Alannis Morisette -early-, Ryan Adams, Oasis 34. FAVORITE FRIENDS TO HANG WITH: Jerrod, Sarah, Lisa 35. WHO DO YOU HANG WITH THE MOST?: Jerrod 36. PEN OR PENCIL?: Pen 37. M&M'S OR SKITTLES?: M&M's 38. MOUNTAIN DEW OR MELLOW YELLOW: Mountain Dew 39. WHAT MAKES THE OPPOSITE SEX NOTICE YOU?: I've been told my eyes, but I think it's my figure or my face or my hair. Okay, I'm egotistical. 40. WHAT TURNS THEM OFF OF YOU?: I tend to love to snuggle them to death? I've never really heard of anything that was a huge turn off. 41. HOW LONG ARE YOU IN THE SHOWER?: I only take showers @ Jerrods, 5 minutes. My baths can last an hour. 42. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO GO ON VACATION: Texas or Jersey 43. POOL OR TRAMPOLINE?: Pool 44. BEST SUPERHERO?: Venom 45. ONE THING YOU CAN'T STAND?: Matt Meyers? Girls that tease, erm, girls that hit on my boyfriend... a LOT of things are not standable for me. 46. FAVORITE DRINK?: Coke from a glass bottle, Chai lattes 47. WORST FEAR?: Getting lost, the dark, lightning 48. FAVORITE CITY TO HANG IN: Ocean City 49. BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: Being loved. 50. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?: Knowing you fucked it all up. 51. BILL CLINTON: He was a great president. 52. THE WHOLE ALIEN THING: I have no idea. 54. TEENAGE SMOKING?: Not a good idea. 55. PREMARITAL SEX?: I like to test drive before I buy... evil grin 56. ABORTION?: Pro Choice 57. DOING DRUGS?: This may sound bad but anything beyond pot I disapprove of. With pot it's to each his own, I've done it a few times, but beyond that... SERIOUS SERIOUS SERIOUS negativity. Pot at least has a ceremonial and religious background. 58. MARILYN MANSON: Ewk. 59. GUY BANDS: Metrosexual hotness. 60. DEATH: Scares me. 61. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: Love takes a long time to develop. 62. A CERTAIN PERSON OUT THERE FOR YOU: I found mine. 63. JERRY SPRINGER: is stupid 64. OSBOURNES: get old 65. FRIENDS: Meht, take it or leave it. 66. SURVIVOR: Hate it. 67. SOUTH PARK: Take it or leave it. 68. CHARITY: Definitely. 69. GIRLS WITH LOTS Of MAKEUP: NO more GLITTER, damn it. Beyond that, as Aly said as long as it is done tastefully. If you can't do your makeup, learn or stop doing it. You'd look better without then looking like you're going out for Halloween. 70. GOD: I believe it exists. 104. COKE OR PEPSI: Mood pending, but usually Coke. 105. LAKE OR OCEAN: Ocean. My uncle drowned in a lake. + I hate the squishiness between my toes. 106. TV OR RADIO: TV 107. GOING TO THE MOVIES OR RENTING A MOVIE: Going to the movies. 108. INNOCENT OR DIRTY: Someone once said Innocence is the most powerful aphrodisiac. I would insist that it is true. Despite how experienced or jaded you are, you can still be quite innocent. 109. LOYAL OR LIAR: I'm not sure. I like people being loyal, but I can be a complete liar... so I respect that too. 110. HUG OR KISSES: Hugs. 111. NICE OR MEAN: Either or. I like boyfriends to be nice, and friends to be critical and mean... just not to me. 112. SHORT OR TALL: Short. 113. DROP DEAD GORGEOUS OR JUST GOOD LOOKING: I'd rather be Drop Dead Gorgeous but in some ways, just good looking because that means you get less attention and jealousy. 114. VISORS OR HATS?: Hats. 115. IRELAND OR ITALY?: Ireland 116. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Chocolate 117. HOCKEY OR FOOTBALL: Hockey 118. ABERCROMBIE OR AMERICAN EAGLE: American Eagle. 119. ADIDAS OR NIKE: Adidas 120. FREDDIE OR RYAN: Freddie 121. JEN OR JOEY FROM DAWSONS CREEK: Joey. 122. RED OR BLUE: Blue. 123. EMINEM OR WILL SMITH: Will Smith, Eminem is the epitome of just got money white trash. And my thoughts on that will never change. You can take a guy out of the trailer park, but sometimes you can't get the trailer park out of a guy. And now that's talking about the stereotypical trailer park trash as I had an ex-trailer piece of trash as a tenant so I can say so. 124. CARNIVAL OR AMUSEMENT PARK: Carnival 125. MACS OR IBM's: IBMs 126. BRITNEY OR CHRISTINA: Fashion wise - Britney. But Christina is more talented. Both are equally as ugly at this point. 127. WINTER FRESH OR DOUBLE MINT: Double Mint HAVE YOU EVER.. 128. BEEN ON A PLANE?: Yes 129. WENT SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN: Yes 130. SWAM IN A LAKE: Yes 131. PEED IN A OCEAN: Yes 132. PEED IN A POOL: Yes 133. GONE SKINNY DIPPING: No 134. CHEATED ON A TEST: Yes 135. LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: Yes 136. FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH?: Yes 137. FELL ASLEEP WHILE EATING: No 138. GONE TO CHURCH: Yes 139. READ THE BIBLE: Very little. 140. CLIMBED A TREE: Yes 141. WATCHED DAWSON'S CREEK: Yes 143. GONE SNOWBOARDING: No 144. GONE SKATEBOARDING: No 145. FELL ASLEEP DURING A SCARY MOVIE: No 146. GONE ALL NIGHT WITHOUT SLEEP: Yes 147. BEEN TO CAMP: No 148. HAVE A CAMP: No 149. PLAYED SOCCER: Yes 150. BEEN TO A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL GAME: No 151. SAW A PRO BASKETBALL GAME: Yes 152. BEEN TO AN NFL GAME: No 153. BEEN TO AN NHL GAME: No 154. SAT IN A RESTAURANT WITHOUT ORDERING ANYTHING: No, I love food too much. 155. EATEN SUSHI: Yes 156. EATEN FISH: Yes 157. WATCHED DIRTY DANCING: No 158. AND DANCED ALONG: No 159. WANTED TO DIE: Not seriously 160. MET A CELEBRITY: No 161. DRIVEN A CAR: Yes. Horrah for illegal driving 162. DIDN'T WASH YOUR HAIR FOR A WEEK: No, came close. 163. GOT STITCHES: No 164. BROKEN SOMETHING: Yes but not on me. 165. BOUGHT ICE CREAM FROM AN ICE CREAM TRUCK: Yes 166. DRIVEN AN ICE CREAM TRUCK BY ACCIDENT: ... I wish I was that cool. 167. THOUGHT ABOUT SUICIDE: No 168. TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE: No 169. USED YOUR PARENTS CREDIT CARD: Yes 170. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SCARED OF GETTING SHOT: Yes 171. GOTTEN A CAVITY: No 172. GOT A SHOT: A long time ago 173. WATCHED SOMEONE DIE: No 174. CRIED SO LONG AND HARD YOU COULDN'T STOP SHAKING: Yes 175. GOT IN A FIST FIGHT: No 176. PUNCHED SOMEONE FOR NO REASON: No 177. THOUGHT YOU WERE IN LOVE: Yes 178. HAD AN ONLINE RELATIONSHIP: No 179. WATCHED MTV/MUCH MUSIC AT 4 IN THE MORNING: Yes 180. USED A PORTA-POTTY: Yes 181. STAYED ONLINE TILL 4 INTHE MORNING: Yes 182. USED SOMEONE FOR SEX: Yes 183. HAD SEX FOR MONEY: No 184. CHEATED ON YOUR GF/BF: No 185. CAUGHT A FISH: Yes 186. SNUCK OUT OF YOUR HOUSE: No 187. STREAKED: No 188. BEEN HURT BY A GUY/GIRL YOU LIKED: Yes 189. GONE TO ANOTHER STATE/PROVINCE: Yes 190. GONE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY: No 191. MOVED: Yes 192. BROKEN THE LAW: Yes 193. WHY: I needed to get to class. 194. HOW: I drive illegally all the time. 195. KILLED SOMEONE: No 196. KILLED SOMEONE IN YOUR THOUGHTS: Sort of? 197. SMOKED IN SCHOOL: No 198. KISSED IN SCHOOL: Yes 199. BEEN SCARED ENOUGH TO PEE IN YOUR PANTS: No 200. BEEN STABBED IN THE BACK BY A "FRIEND": No 201. STABBED A FRIEND IN THE BACK: Yes 202. WHO IS YOUR FAV. PERSON TO SHOP WITH: Lisa 203. WHO IS YOUR FAV. PERSON TO TALK TO ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?: Sarah? 204. WHO IS YOUR FAV. PERSON TO TALK TO ABOUT LIFE: Lisa, Jerrod 205. WHO DO YOU HATE: Many. 206. I deleted this question: so did I? lol. 207. GIRLS: Catty, intelligent, vengeful and fun. 208. IN BETWEEN: I've never met a tranvestite. 209. WHO WOULD YOU WANT TO MEET: Artemisia Gentileschi. 210. WHO DO YOU MISS?: Jerrod 211. WHO HAVE YOU LIKED FOREVER?: Nobody 212. WHO WOULD YOU DIE FOR?: Anyone I care for and supremely respect. 213. WHO IS THE ONE PERSON YOU KNOW WILL BE THERE FOR YOU FOREVER?: Aw thx Aly! Jerrod 214. WHO IS THE NICEST FRIEND YOU KNOW?: Lisa 215. WHO IS THE MEANEST PERSON YOU KNOW?: Sarah 216. WHO DO YOU WANT TO MARRY: Jerrod 217: WHAT TIME IS IT?: 9:24
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LJ Cut List	[Sep. 21st, 2004\|11:30 pm]
I am removing the following. I'd say don't be offended but I don't really care either way. Removing myself from: candiegraphix, adopt a pet, churchill downs, house_rabbits, g_r_a_p_h_i_x Removing: eamon_03, goodbyeexlove, illus0ry, jenniferellen, jiffygeoff, kmills485, lilbunny56, lisavoid, necine, ottumwa1206, stormfrontcomin These are for a variety of reasons: A. You never added me back. B. I'm no longer interested in topic (for groups) C. I don't like reading your journal D. Your journal is inactive. E. You replaced your journal. Sincerely, Ash
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